Why Conflict Conversations Break Down — And What They Actually Need

May 9

Written By Shayna

We’ve all been there.

A conversation turns tense.

Words are misunderstood.

Emotions flare.

And suddenly, instead of repair, we’re in retreat or escalation—or both.

But here’s the truth: Most conflict conversations don’t break down because people don’t care.

They break down because we’ve never been taught how to care in a way that heals.

We confuse blame with attack.

We mislabel context as excuse.

We mistake defensiveness for immaturity instead of seeing it as a survival response.

This post isn’t here to absolve harmful behavior.

It’s here to make space for nuance—so that the people who want to grow can actually get somewhere.

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What Every Conflict Needs

Every meaningful repair requires three things:

1. An apology (acknowledging harm)

2. Accountability (owning your part)

3. A co-created path forward (so it doesn’t repeat)

But we often never get there—because we hit emotional roadblocks too early.

Here are some of the biggest breakdowns that stop resolution before it starts:

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Blame Isn’t the Enemy—Control Is

Blame gets a bad reputation, but at its root, blame is often a way to say,

“This hurt me—and I want someone to take responsibility.”

The problem isn’t blame itself.

It’s when blame becomes a weapon to control, shame, or shut down the conversation.

Or when the person being called in refuses to take responsibility and deflects instead.

In one situation I experienced professionally, a system failure created massive business disruption.

Instead of leadership owning the impact, they insisted that people were “blaming” unfairly.

But it wasn’t about blame—it was about truth-telling.

And without truth, repair is impossible.

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Explanation Is Not an Excuse

If someone hurt you and they try to explain why, that’s not always deflection.

Sometimes, it’s a sincere attempt to create understanding.

• An excuse avoids responsibility.

• An explanation adds context to it.

When we label all context as excuse, we shut down the opportunity for clarity.

I’ve seen this in personal relationships—especially when someone (like my friend Ashley) tried to explain her motives, and was told she was just making excuses.

It wasn’t a deflection. It was vulnerability.

We need to learn how to tell the difference.

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Defensiveness Is Often a Survival Response

I used to think defensiveness meant someone wasn’t emotionally mature.

But now I know: defensiveness is what happens when people feel attacked—whether or not an attack is actually happening.

When someone (like my brother) comes in hot, armed with assumptions and critiques, of course people get reactive. It’s biology.

This doesn’t excuse harmful responses. But it means if we want resolution, not just reactions, we have to create enough safety for honesty to emerge.

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Right vs. Wrong Thinking Kills Connection

We get stuck when conflict becomes a game of “who’s right” instead of “what’s true for each of us?”

Real conflict is rarely black and white.

More often, it’s:

• Same values, different expression.

• Differing needs that collided.

• Old wounds playing out in new forms.

I’ve learned the hard way: If we focus on being right, we lose the relationship.

If we focus on being honest, we might actually grow together.

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Power Dynamics Shape the Conversation

Sometimes the problem isn’t what is said—it’s who has the power to say it.

In conflict, the person with more social or institutional power (a boss, a parent, a spiritual leader) may unconsciously require the hurt person to deliver their feedback perfectly or politely in order to be taken seriously.

This is called tone policing—and it centers comfort over accountability.

You can’t say you’re open to feedback if you only accept it when it feels convenient or palatable.

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What Healthy Conflict Actually Sounds Like

• “I hear you, and I want to understand. Can you tell me what hurt you most?”

• “That wasn’t my intention, but I see the impact. I’m sorry.”

• “I’m feeling reactive. Can we take a break and come back when I can really hear you?”

• “What would help rebuild trust for you?”

• “This was my part in what happened. Here’s what I’ll do differently next time.”

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Closing Reflection: Conflict Is a Spiritual Practice

Repair is not always easy.