Choosing a Coach: Inspired, Seen, and Challenged

In my over ten years in the self-help industry—both as a coach and someone who spent years inside the largest coach training organization in the world—I’ve been asked one question more than almost any other: How do I find the right coach?

It’s a vulnerable question. Because the truth is, coaching isn’t just about setting goals or “getting unstuck,” it’s about entering a sacred relationship—one where you are witnessed not only in your potential, but also in your fear and your deepest pain.

You want chemistry.

You want competence.

You want character.

And—maybe—you want a specific niche, shared identity, lived experience, spiritual perspective, or style of interaction. You may care about credentials, pricing, or personal recommendations.

And all of that matters—but that’s not the whole picture.

There’s something deeper we often don’t name:

You want someone who can hold you, challenge you, and remind you who you are when you forget.

The Sacred Chemistry of Coaching

Coaching works because it’s built on a powerful foundation of relationship. And like any good relationship, it requires trust, resonance, and a shared sense of direction. You’re not just handing over your goals—you’re inviting someone into your inner world where the stakes are emotional and the terrain is often tender.

This is someone you will likely confide your biggest fears to.

This is someone you might cry in front of.

This is someone who may see parts of you that no one else sees.

This is someone who will hold you accountable at times—so every story we make up about ourselves may be a bit confronting.

This is why the coaching container matters and in that container, two things must exist: inspiration and challenge.

Inspired: Someone Who Sparks Something in You

The coach you choose doesn’t need to check every requirement off your list, but they need to remind you of possibility. You want someone whose presence helps you feel like more is possible—not because they have it all figured out, but because they walk with clarity, humility, and heart.

They might light up something inside of you.

They might speak in a way that makes you pause and breathe deeper.

They might hold a kind of resonance that helps you feel safe and brave.

Inspiration, in coaching, shouldn’t be performative and isn’t not about charisma or status—it’s about how you feel in their presence. Do you feel more hopeful? More grounded? More yourself? If not, this isn’t the relationship for you.

Challenged: Someone Who Stretches You with Care

On the flip side—you want someone who will challenge you.

Not with aggression or “tough love.”

Not by pushing you beyond what’s safe.

But by gently inviting you beyond what’s familiar.

A good coach won’t let your fear set the boundaries of your life. They will ask you to look at what’s underneath. They’ll hold you while you unravel patterns of behavior. They’ll invite you to try something new because they see something in you that’s ready to rise.

And here’s the truth: being challenged in a space that feels safe is where real growth happens.

What the Best Coaches Do

The best coaches don’t just guide—they accompany. They listen with depth. They know when to speak and when to stay quiet. They can celebrate your wins and sit with you in your losses.

They don’t pretend to have all the answers.

They don’t fix you.

They don’t bypass your pain with positivity.

Instead, they:

• Ask better questions

• Hold compassionate accountability

• Reflect back your deepest truths

• Make space for the complexity of your life

If you’re currently looking for a coach—or wondering if it’s time to begin—try asking yourself:

• Do I feel safe being honest with this person?

• Do I feel both held and stretched?

• Do they reflect something back to me that I want to remember about myself?

• Do they have the skillset and integrity I’m looking for?

• Am I inspired in their presence—not to be like them, but to be more myself?

By setting an intention of what you’re looking for and finding clarity on what will work for you—you are setting up your coaching container strong. After all the coaching container is wholly yours.

This Work Is Not for the Faint of Heart

Coaching is for those willing to meet themselves more deeply. It is for those who long for more, and those who are willing to be in the mess of it all. It’s not always comfortable, but when done well, it’s one of the most transformative relationships you will be in.

So be picky, find the right one for you. Because next to your spouse, this will be one of the most intimate relationships you will choose to embark on.

Choose a coach who sees you clearly, challenges you lovingly, and believes in you when your own belief starts to falter.