When Values Go Missing—and When They Take Control

Values are our waypoints. They help us navigate the world and all its complexity. They give shape to our decisions, guide our relationships, and remind us of who we are when life becomes unclear. But here’s the hard truth: most of us don’t actually know how to articulate our values.

We throw around phrases like “family values,” but often use them as vague catchalls rather than clearly defined principles. One family might view “family values” as emotional closeness and connection, while another views it as obedience or tradition. This means people share the same values on paper but express them so differently that it creates conflict. Additionally, different people may value completely different things, to the point all they see is the difference not what they have in common—these values often show up in individuals think of family vs. career, freedom vs stability, etc.

That’s where misalignment begins—both externally, when our values clash with others, and internally, when we can’t name or live in alignment with our own. It is this ambiguity that causes us to remain untethered to ourselves and at the whim of taking on values that don’y feel authentically ours.

When We Abandon Our Values

Most of us don’t consciously choose to betray our values. It happens in the quiet spaces—when we’re overwhelmed, uncertain, or trying to belong. It happens when we haven’t taken time to articulate our values clearly enough to guide us, or when our values collide with our conditioning.

No one wakes up thinking, Today I’m going to live out of alignment—but we say yes when we mean no. We stay silent to avoid conflict. We shape-shift to preserve harmony or protect our safety. We abandon the truth of who we are in favor of survival.

Sometimes, it sounds like:

• Silencing honesty to keep the peace.

• Hiding your faith or beliefs to avoid being judged.

• Letting go of boundaries to maintain connection.

• Sacrificing joy for someone else’s comfort.

• Abandoning your purpose because you’re afraid to fail—or afraid to be seen trying.

At first, we barely notice, but over time, the symptoms accumulate as a a subtle tension or a gut instinct that clenches. This becomes a growing disconnection between our inner truth and outer choices.

This is what I call the quiet grief of value abandonment—it can be deeply disorienting—and if we don’t listen, it can lead to despair, burnout, or depression.

When a Value Becomes the Whole Story

There’s another way we lose ourselves—and that’s through over-identification.

This is what happens when a value becomes so central to your identity that it stops serving as a compass and starts becoming a costume.

• Service turns into people-pleasing.

• Ambition turns into burnout.

• Loyalty becomes self-abandonment.

• Compassion becomes enabling.

• Authenticity becomes oversharing.

• Honesty becomes cruelty.

These distortions usually begin with something deeply meaningful—but over time, we become attached and fall into rigid ways of being that we cling to out of fear or identity preservation.

When values turn into performance or moral superiority, we stop honoring values and ourselves altogether—and start using values to justify our behavior. We retreat to the moral high ground and in the process, we lose the capacity to connect—not only with others, but with ourselves.

Discernment: The Middle Path

To live with integrity, we need more than values—we need discernment.

That means doing the work: asking the hard questions, checking in consistently, and bringing our behaviors into conscious conversation with our deeper intentions.

Start here:

• What values actually matter to me—not just because I inherited them, but because I choose them?

• Can I write them down? Define them?

• Can I name how I express them—and how they’ve been distorted?

For example: “Family” might be a core value. But is it expressed through mutual respect, or blind loyalty? Through connection, or control?

Then ask:

• Is this action aligned—or fear-based?

• Am I clinging to a value to justify behavior?

• Is this value guiding me—or performing for others?

• Does this support connection—or just keep the peace?

Living your values doesn’t mean embodying them perfectly every day, it means that we let our values lead, but not dominate, let care be deep, but not depleting, let honesty be brave, but still kind, and let loyalty include yourself.

Come Back to the Center

Every one of us veers off course sometimes.

We stray from living in alignment with our values—news flash: we’re human.

The goal isn’t to get it right every time, but to continue to develop your awareness on how you operate and make decisions in your life. None of us live in perfect alignment all the time. We drift. We override our instincts. We get pulled by fear, by habit, by longing to belong.

Values expand, change, shrink, and can express themselves differently from one day to the next. It’s your job to keep checking in to stay in relationship with what matters most. Values aren’t fixed coordinates—they’re shaped by experience, clarified through tension, and expressed through behavior. And like any relationship, they require maintenance—reflection, humility, and willingness to evolve.